OK so we got some new info on His Royal Hotness (or at least some info I didn’t know) and Went made some great jokes. To recap, I addressed everyone involved in the interviewing process of one Wentworth Earl Miller III. To begin, I start with some of you who were in the audience.
To the girls in the audience: You just didn’t try hard enough. I don’t even think he heard you. Next time have your game face on. A nice yell DURING the interview may have even gotten him to look at you for a split second which I know would have been the best split second of your life. If I was there, I would have yelled “I love you Went!” at the top of my lungs during a nice quiet moment when I knew I would be heard. I’m disappointed in all of you and your classy restraint.
To Guillermo: I’m very happy to see you too.
To Wentworth: Your entrance was so charming. I loved the mock “I’m gonna kick your ass”posturing, the gallop down the stairs, the hug and the hair rub all done in the name of redeeming yourself with Guillermo, but don’t think I didn’t see you rub your hand on your pants on the way to your seat…3 times. I wonder what kind of product Guillermo had in his hair that you were trying to wipe off. I would have given your red carpet interview an A. I wouldn’t let anyone touch my hair or touch theirs either: Not even to whore myself out for a late night show that no one watches. Congratulations Went, you are not a whore. Besides, you are allergic to air, I would just start cussing people out if I were you and they kept asking me to touch foreign things that might make me breakout. So, in high school it was the A/V club, Newspaper, Swim Team, Chorus…? You were such a busy and cute little geekboy. Did you ever get laid? If we were teens at the same time, I would have totally deflowered you. By the way, I’m not naming our kid Jimmy Wentworth Miller and I don’t care how much you beg me.
To Jimmy: While I had never seen your show before this interview I have to say I did like seeing you interview Went. Now it may just have been your proximity to Wentworth that made you interesting to me or it may be that I was so happy your Aunt and Uncle were not still on my screen doing that horrible skit which made me lose precious moments of my life that I will never get back. That skit sir, sucked balls, and not in a positive life affirming way.
The tattoo adds some definition apparently
And now for the fun part. 25 questions I’d ask if I ever got to interview Went.
1. Let’s start with the most important: What is your favorite sexual position?
2. What is one thing in your life that you would go back and change if you could?
3. What the fuck? Yes, that is the real question.
4. What time is it in Hot as Hell Land where you live?
5. How many times a day do you masturbate?
6. Name a hero who does nothing to contribute to society but is your hero anyway and then tell me why. Just so you get the hang of this, I’ll start. My hero is Paris Hilton. She’s rich and famous and does absolutely nothing all day but shop and party. For those reasons, she’s my hero. Now you try.
7. Like you, I had strict parents and my answer to that was full on-out of control-I should have been put out of my house-rebellion. What do you think would have happened if you had bucked the system and gone your own way? Do you think you’d be better off or worse?
8. Aren’t you tired of the tattoo question? I don’t even have to answer it and I’m sick to death of it.
9. If you found out you were going to die in a week, what would you make sure to try and fit into the time you had left?
10. Is there anything that you would die for?
11. Can I have a naked picture of you? I won’t post it. I promise.
12. What do you spend most of your leisure time doing?
13. What is one thing that people would be surprised to know about you?
14. How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
15. Describe in detail what your ideal mate would be like (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually). Have you ever met anyone that comes close?
16. How good are you at keeping secrets?
17. When you lay in bed at night between being awake and going to sleep and just think, what do you think about?
18. What possession of yours holds the most sentimental value and why?
19. What are your top five movies of all time and why?
20. Is there a piece of technology that you rely so heavily on that you could hardly live without it? If so, what is it?
21. Can you do a movie where we get to see your ass? Jake did and look how his career is turning out. You really should try it. Do it for the fans.
22. What do you do to let loose and party and when was the last time you had a really wild time?
23. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
24. Do you ever wish you could be someone else for a day? If so who?
25. Before you go, can I just lick some part of you? Yes I’m completely serious.