After the Scarfalotta incident, I asked you to choose who you’d rather see Wentworth Miller with, Beigette or Scarfy and you chose *drum roll*: He should die alone. Well we can’t have that can we? He’s got to be with someone and since none of us can handle a real someone, how about a FAKE someone?
1. Claire Fisher Six Feet Under
When asked which TV character I was most like (personality-wise), this is the answer one of my closest friends gave so we’ll start here but not just b/c our personalities resemble each other but b/c I fell in love with this character in the Pilot. She had me at hello. The first time she tries Crystal Meth, her trip is interrupted by the news that her father is dead so she has to drive to the hospital, high, and try to deal with something as heavy as death (although growing up in a funeral home it has always surrounded her anyway). One of my favorite characters ever on one of my favorite shows ever that had the best. finale. ever(Rome comes in a close second). She’s an old soul, she’s artistic, she’s a smart-ass, she’s a spazz, she takes risks, she’s open-minded, she thinks for herself, she’s strange, she just rocks. Think about it Wentworth…Your class; her sass. It would be a match made in heaven.
2. Brian Kinney Queer as Folk
If Claire is my favorite female character ever, Brian is my favorite male character ever. He had me at:
Brian: Where ya headed?
Justin: No place special…
Brian: I can change that
And change that he did. He IS special. He says what’s on his mind, he’s a realist, he’s intelligent, he’s got great taste, he’s got great arms (he’s got great everything), he’ll always be young and he’ll always be beautiful (*tearing up*), he’s an awesome lay and he has a big heart he always tries to hide. Now while Brians’ heart seems to be taken, that’s not the organ he prefers to share anyway. Went, you need some action so why not let Brian break you off a piece of that FINE ass thing he’s got goin on. Oh and do a girl a favor: Record it.
3. Charlotte York Sex and the City
So Went, maybe you’re looking for someone a bit more traditional? How about Charlotte? She’s old-fashioned, she’s optimistic, she’s well-bred, she’s determined, she wants children too and while she can be annoying at times, her child-like enthusiasm is like a ray of sunlight through the clouds. When she walked out in that pink dress with her head held high after her miscarriage, I cried. The most reserved of the awesome foursome that lit NYC on fire and seared themselves into our hearts, I think she would be a good choice.
4. Peter Petrelli Heroes
Mmmmm Peter. He’s cute, he’s sensitive and you two have something very important in common: You’ve both made me cum. Let me show you how he managed it.
Did you see that shit? DID. YOU. SEE. THAT. SHIT? I was watching it in bed and I screamed at the top of my lungs, threw my head back, closed my eyes and came instantly. *shiver* This is why you need to be with him Went. He’s a motherfucking Hero and like you, he glows. Well in a different way than you but…Oh and um, Check out Pete 5 years in the future, Can you say HAWT?
5. Blanca Selgado The Sopranos
What started as a fling, turned into something else, much to the chagrin of a Mafia first family. She’s hot, she’s Latina, she’s newly single and she has a kid. You like kids right Went? Don’t mind that pasty face brat in the picture; That’s just A.J. That is SO over and he is crying like a BITCH about it too so you know her shit must be good. And even in that top, she beats your other gal pals.
6. Charles Brandon The Tudors
The hottest thing on The Tudors (after The King of course, props to his majesty), why couldn’t that be me with him in the Pilot *biting lip*? He’s sarcastic, He’s got a HOT ass, your name would fit in wonderfully in his world, he has a great sense of humor, he has a TITLE for fucks sake. So what he married the King’s sister; I’m sure he’d leave her for you! He is walking sex; You are walking sex. Charles, you cad, meet Went, he needs a good screwing. Show him what you’ll do to him…
7. Addison Montgomery Grey’s Anatomy
The character with one of the most jaw dropping entrances in TV history is one I used to hate but now I love her (now that’s character development). She’s an Obstetrician which means she’s hella smart, she’s together, she needs a good man (let’s just hope she doesn’t cheat on you) and she’s feeling lost b/c she’s no longer into McSteamy and she can’t have kids. She could use a little love in her life.
8. Dr. Eric Foreman House
Didn’t your mother always tell you to marry a doctor? He’s hot, he survived a weird illness and lived to tell the tale (just think of the first date getting to know you convo, bet you haven’t heard THAT one before), he has a moral compass, and he has the same name as a certain TV smart-ass goof that comes to mind whenever someone says his whole name out loud (Whose idea was it to name him that?). He is definitely on the ball if he’s on House’s team and his IQ is probably higher than yours!
9. Bree Van De Kamp Desperate Housewives
My favorite housewife is anything but desperate. She knows how to handle a rifle, she knows how to keep up appearances, she can keep a secret (and letting someone die when you could have saved their life is a BIG secret), she’s resourceful, she’s a bit of an Ice Queen but you can be cold too when you want to be, she has great hair and she’ll spank you and then make you muffins, she’s well…perfect.
10. Dean Winchester Supernatural
The guy fights the supernatural for a living and he’s an actor too! I mean, how could he pretend to be so many different things so convincingly if he wasn’t (a cop, a convict, a PA, a reporter, the list goes on and on)? You have something in common! He’s hot, he’s cocky, he’s hot, he drives a muscle car, he’s hot, he’s a bad ass, he’s hot, oh and he loves his brother so he’s a sweetheart too…and he’s hot. Like you, he’s all about family. If you won’t take him I will!
11. Patty Bouvier The Simpsons
She’s got a fro! Check it out! She doesn’t need a man; I’m sure you find that a turn on. She’s older, she smokes, she has a thing for TV characters who are good at getting themselves out of sticky situations (you play such a character on TV which I’m sure she’d appreciate that, Michael is no Macgyver but he’s close enough). I see great things where this relationship is concerned.
12. Jack Bauer 24
It may be hard for him to let you in (pun intended) but he really does just want to protect you (there it is, another pun). He doesn’t have much time for romance (although neither do you)…In fact he doesn’t have time for much of anything. I’ve never seen him eat, shit, rest…You know, I’m not sure he’s human which makes him PERFECT for you b/c you are not human either (You are too beautiful to be human)! Together you’d be unstoppable!
13. Alice Pieszecki The L Word
While I am an avid Shane-lover (Oh FUCK ME SHANE) and a Jenny-sympathizer (What a fucking mess that girl is), you can’t help but LOVE Alice. When she told Jenny and Marina that they should just go off and get married, I knew I was in love. She’s a writer, she’s bi (a whole world of possibilities just opened up for you my friend), she’s funny, she’s pretty as hell and she’s blonde…If I remember correctly, you do like your blondes.
14. Clark Kent Smallville
That’s right, another Superhero for MY superhero; Only the best for my Wentworth! [girly voice]Went, you’re my superhero.[/girly voice] He’s freaking Superman and he only has one weakness so steer clear of the Kryptonite and you’re golden (the green, not the red…I LOVE him on the red!). He has lasers for eyes, he can fly and if he can run that fast can you imagine how fast he could move…*is dead*
15. Catherine Willows CSI
Brains Beauty and Talent, a fantastic mix…She’s smart (She’s a fucking SCIENTIST man!), She’s beautiful and she used to be a stripper so she knows how to work it but these days she makes money with her head…I mean her brain…I mean her mind although she probably could make money with her head (or brain) too. She’s got one bad marriage behind her, she doesn’t take shit and yes, if you ask nicely, she will wear the gloves. And although I am really still waiting for some Willows-Warrick action, I can accept her with you too.
So, which one?