Wentworth Miller: John Waters wants YOU!

Or he will once he gets the letter I’m mailing him!

It seems that against my better judgement, I have once again started planning the next Meet Wentworth Miller adventure. Why am I so in love with you Wentworth? Why? *shaking head at self* I never learn. This time however, I want Went to come to me. Now I realize my afro is magic but unless Went really had a reason to be in Baltimore, I doubt he’d come. Luckily, I happened to be brainstorming with Deadbeat Nymph and she suggested I write John Waters and ask him to cast Went in his new movie. What a FANTASTIC idea!!! Does John Waters even have a new movie coming out? Oh hell, I’ll write the fucking movie if I have to.

Dear John,

Ahahaha, get it? Dear John? *ahem* You don’t know me, but I live in Baltimore so that makes us neighbors. And as your neighbor, I have a request: I would like for you to cast Wentworth Miller in your next movie (see pic enclosed). Isn’t he beautiful? He’s a great crier too and he has gay man experience. Ahahaha, what does that even mean?

You have a computer right? I can direct you to some lovely You Tube clips of his performances. I just love You Tube; Have you seen Samwell’s video? I know you always film in Baltimore so you would totally be helping me meet, hang out with, fuck, marry and procreate with Wentworth Miller. See, I don’t ask for much.

I was thinking, you could even cast me in my breakout role as Wentworth Miller’s love interest! I can see it now…Boy from the wrong side of the tracks who just wants to sing falls in love with a preppy square girl. Hilarity ensues with plenty of singing and dancing numbers and maybe a tear tattoo…Wait, this sounds familiar? Forget that one; It’s been done.

How about this: Went is an alien, a very sexy alien, from the planet Perfecto. He comes to Earth to find the chosen one to prevent the evil Scarfettes from taking over the Universe. He looks just as he does now except he can’t see out of his eyes, he can only see out of his penis. So the whole movie, he’d just walk around looking for me with his penis. Oh oh oh, and the way they say hello on Perfecto is by fucking you BUT they fuck with their eyes. So let’s imagine for a minute, Wentworth Miller, walking around looking for the chosen one with his penis and saying hello to everyone he passes. He already knows how to eye fuck so it’s PERFECT! Men cum and fall to the ground. Women cry out in ecstacy before they wobble and fall, kind of like this. It’s GOLD I tell you, GOLD!

I don’t have it all worked out yet but those are the basics and we can make the film a metaphor. The eye-fucking is representative of how casual sex is cold and unfeeling. Oh and the seeing out of the penis could mean, watch out for your penis! You know, like, be safe and stuff. It could be like a social commentary public service announcement sci-fi comedy and then Went would totally dig that it meant something. I know what you’re thinking, you don’t want your shit to mean anything! Well, you and I would know that we just want to see him walking around with his penis out and eye-fucking people but HE would think we were deep. Everyone wins!

OK well, I’ve taken up enough of your time with my insane ideas, and to think, I’m not even drunk right now. There’s a real shocker! I think Went is the only choice for whatever it is you may have in mind. No matter what, he can do it. *starts cheering* Wentworth, Wentworth he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can! Gooooo Went! Wentworth Miller for President.


A fan and neighbor

WFW (real name and address here)

P.S. Your Christmas music taste is excellent.

P.P.S. Here’s Went’s info (Went’s mailing address here). I know you’ll be wanting to contact him now. Don’t forget to talk about what the film means to you. It’s all in the pitch!


Filed under Humor

24 responses to “Wentworth Miller: John Waters wants YOU!

  1. AJ


    I could soooo see this working in your favor. Excellent strategy, marvelous plan. Brava, brava!

    On a side note, being a fellow native Baltimorian, might I request a small part in this project? I don’t even need an onscreen role. I’ll settle for being the one responsible for powdering the royal penis between takes. Can’t have shine, yo!

  2. jailbird

    OK ….can I be the Penis Make-up artist

  3. miller_thriller

    i volunteer to be the prettys fluffer!
    cant have him being a limp dick now can we? hes gotta stand to attention for his big role, and when i say big, we’ve all seen what hes packing!!!

  4. Bel

    And this on a Sunday morning! LMAO

    All hail to the Pretty!


  5. Evil Bicettes?
    Don’t you mean, evil Scarfettes?!
    WFW: I do and it has been corrected. Thank you Slavedriver. Look! The red pen is back! Except...It's green.

  6. Bluetoothfairy

    What a brilliant plan!
    And could you please include the Fangirls Chorus in your script, and I mean as in Greek tragedy chorus, it would a) make us all happy b) make the Pretty think it’s even deeper, with us commenting on the theme and whatnot.

  7. SavMed

    *serious face*

    WFW, you should seriously consider a career in showbiz. Your ideas are amazing. Your mind is incredible.

    The metaphor of the penis in search of people… *spreading hands in amazement Will Smith style*

  8. Ciara

    Now it’s official, WFW, you’re a genius!!!

  9. sprinkles

    Now you’re thinking WFW! *handing over “Writing Screenplay For Dummies”* and yes, I too, would like to be handler, make-up artist, Starbucks gopher….anything!

  10. Juma

    Oh! I just loooooove sci-fic movies!
    Wenty, Wenty say hello to me!!!

    wfw, do you think you can get me a role play in this movie?

  11. Jen

    GREAT IDEA – since I am also from Baltimore, may I also have a role? I don’t need to be on camera – I can fetch Starbucks and chocolate chip cookies just to keep Went happy!!

  12. brit bird

    hahahahaha **crying** A ffaaaabbbuuulousss idea mistress. Can my role be the penis ‘fluffer’?My job description will be to keep it ‘up’ and looking long, this of course would invole massaging with vaseline. mmmmm

    Ps hasnt everyone seen the Samwell video? **what what**

  13. chica

    Genius. Mr. Waters will surely be on board for this one!

    Although I’m no longer in Baltimore (I’m in Montgomery Co. now), I am still very familiar with the area and am willing to lend my services to scout out locations (i.e. my bedroom, my balcony, my kitchen, living room, my loft…)

  14. LMFAO Evil Bicettes, Evil Scarfettes all the same! Even Evil Beigettes… The galaxy is surrounded with Evil Things ready to steal our Pretty!

  15. bleep

    oh my god, i almost squirted water out of my nose about that penis! LMAO! you are really one sick, twisted girl! and i love you for it! don’t you ever go normal on us WFW, hahaha!

  16. shelly

    Dear Went,
    If you agree to do this movie, I’ll give you that scarf I just knitted. (If this offer doesn’t get him onto a movie set, nothing will).

    Went-starved and hating it

    PS: WFW, you and this site’s regulars scare me a bit, but that’s okay. 🙂 Royal penis?! Bwah!

  17. Went eye fucking + Went penis swaggering = MOTHAPHOCKING OSCAR!

    WFW, tell me again why you’re not in show biz? Great job, woman!

  18. Pingback: Top Posts « WordPress.com

  19. MrsWM

    God girl but you know how to pitch a story!!!!I will see what I can do for you between bedroom episodes with my hubby!!!! He’s a very giving sort of guy, if you know what I mean.
    Ps Where can I get hold of the samwell video
    WFW: Samwell's video

  20. YOU BLEW MY COVER, WFW! lololol
    P.S. I like the Green Peen! (oh yeah, P.E.E.N. !)

  21. WFW

    Lord but where did all of these Baltimorians come from?!

    See what happened Went? You waited SO LONG to come to Baltimore, that now we will have to hide to be alone…But then you like hiding so that won’t be a stretch.

    Oh and in case it wasn’t clear by the fact that I labeled this post Humor, I am sending this letter to Mr. Waters, for real.

  22. AJ

    WFW said “Oh and in case it wasn’t clear by the fact that I labeled this post Humor, I am sending this letter to Mr. Waters, for real.”

    I was hoping you’d say that.

  23. Dani

    Aren’t you throwing in my name as an extra in this?!?

    WAAAAAAAAAAAIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  24. Stephanie

    Holy mother of god…if he came to Baltimore…I’d move down there. Which is good since I live in MD. BTW this site is fuckin greeeeat! And this post is freakin genius!

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