Ode to Wentworth Miller in Brit Speak

I’d really love to see you wank
and present my bum for you to spank
I’d lick your lips and and kiss your flank
You’d think all your other lovers stank

And yeah, I’d love to toss you off
and tie your hands up with a scarf
I’d do things to you in the dark
that on your skin would leave a mark

I’d like to eye you in the buff
and have you face dive in my muff
I bet that you’d be really chuffed
to release yourself up in my stuff

My love would enchant you like a spell
and all your friends you’d want to tell
I bet The Precious works it well
And if it doesn’t then bloody hell

I’m trying to coax you out with love
Cuz you are all I’m thinkin’ of
This hiding bollocks you’re above
unless making us all mental is what you’re on about

No that last part didn’t rhyme
I can’t be perfect all the time

You really need to show your face
You cheeky little monkey


Filed under Poetry

60 responses to “Ode to Wentworth Miller in Brit Speak

  1. *Submitting WFW for a Poet Laureate nomination*

    Brava, Bravissima!

    One question though about this stanza:

    I’d like to eye you in the buff
    and have you face dive in my muff
    I bet that you’d be really chuffed
    to release yourself up in my stuff

    “Chuffed” meaning “happy” or “chuffed” meaning “gaseous”? If it’s the latter, that’s some really freaky shit!

  2. P.S. – Why does the Queen’s English even have a word that can mean both “happy” and “fart”? And Brits think Americans are the unrefined ones…hmpfff! 😉

  3. WFW

    MB! I told you that the gassy thing was a secret! You blabber mouth whore! *runs away crying*

  4. Linds

    Excuse me while I clean gumbo off of my computer. See, I spit it out. Accidentally. Through my nose. While laughing my ass off at this poem!! I love it! Please allow me to quote my fave: “I’d do things to you in the dark/that on your skin would leavea mark”. Are you SURE you’re not spying on my inner thoughts and feelings???

  5. WFW, dear, as long as you don’t quiver from your sliver, you’re all good. 😉

  6. AJ

    Someone get this woman a Pulitzer prize, pronto!
    Fanfuckingtastic, WFW. Brava, brava!

    That was beautiful. *sigh* I’d SO let him put it in my butt…

    and MB, you and I both know that “chuffed” ALWAYS means gassy. Otherwise, why use it?…why.use.it? If I want to say I’m happy, I’d simply use another British term….something like…
    “I am soooo GAY, today!”

  7. Thank you, AJ! I knew I wasn’t out of sorts (another British term?) when I questioned the “chuffed” reference.

    Here’s a T-Shirt idea for females who are prone to
    “chuffing” in the sack:

    *Arrow pointing up*
    I queef from my sheath.


  8. WFW

    Poetry is such a cerebral and meaningful art form. I’m glad we can all share this lovely tribute. Went would be proud.

    Oh, I’d let Went stick it in my bum too.

  9. Who’s up for a game of “Blind Man’s Muff” with Went?


    Thanks for the tip, you-know-who! 😉

    *running to get some marmalade to stay with the Brit-love theme*

  10. AJ

    Of course you would, WFW… but the real test of love: would you swallow his man-mustard??? WOULD YOU?

    *whispers* Deny it all you want, I think you would! 😉

  11. *sending WFW a Health and Guidance pamphlet*

    If it looks like mustard, run.away.FAST!

    If it’s mocha peen, wouldn’t it be man-mocha?

  12. WFW

    You’re wacked, the lot of you! I like ketchup thank you very much and Earl Grey tea with milk. *whistling*

  13. AJ

    Yeah, you like milk alright….

    and MB it’s not called man-mustard because of the color. That would just be gross. But it is “twangy”… *realizing that doesn’t sound so appealing, either* Yeah, let’s just stick with man-milk…

    Aaaaand another thing… I’ll take one of those T-shirts in an extra small, please, thank you!

  14. AJ – you’re one sick whore – I.LOVE.YOU!

    *sending Went a case of Georgia’s best peaches with a note reading…*

    Dear Went,

    WFW’s ready to do Dallas, er, you. This will be her first time doing *ahem* certain things, so in anticipation of her arrival, won’t you be so kind as to feast on these delectable fuzzy orbs?


    P.S. – Not your fuzzy orbs, you kinky man, the ones in the box!

  15. Pink Boxers

    Well done, let’s have tea and to really go out on a limb, perhaps a biscuit.

  16. Charlie Brown

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you WFW!

  17. Charlie Brown

    and you too Mama Bear!

  18. Silvia

    Maybe he shoots Lava down his peen….cause he’s so damn Hot..

  19. Jen

    TOOOO Funny! That’s why Went likes the ladies to wear a scarf, you got it all figured out don’t cha WFW!

  20. AJ

    “AJ – you’re one sick whore – I.LOVE.YOU!”

    Awww, thanks Mama! I love you too, hooker!

    And that note is fantastic! So much better than the one I wrote to him last summer:

    Dear Went,

    DO NOT HAVE SEX! You WILL get pregnant and die.

    Be Good!

    P.S. It’s true! I saw it in a movie once…

    No wonder we never see him out with a girl….oops!

  21. you-know-who

    No probs, MB! And I’m up for it!
    (Especially after those peaches)

    WFW, you are brilliant! We should totally write to those twats that compose litterature anthologies and ask them to list you. I’d queue to get a copy of your most interesting, ahum, musings.

  22. Bluetoothfairy

    Well bugger me backwards, she’s done it again!
    Bloody smashing, dear!

    Now do not be disagreeable, Captain Wentworth, present yourself and delight WFW with your acquaintance!
    (And yeah, keep in mind that all the talk about ejaculation in the comments has absolutely nothing to do with sudden utterances *snicker*).

  23. HAAAhAhAhAhA!!! Almost peed in my pants from laughing my ass off. The comments are soooo CRAZY!

  24. Juma

    BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! Bravo!! *claping hands
    What a poet WFW, what a poet!

  25. Wentworth Miller

    Too bad you didn’t write this my senior year at Princeton. I could have written my thesis on your poem.

  26. ilurvemv

    The ironic thing is that I love all things British! 🙂

    I think the last 2 lines are my favorite:

    “You really need to show your face
    You cheeky little monkey”

    Right on, WFW!

    (Is it possible to get an STD just from reading the comments to this post?)

  27. miller_thriller

    aaaaaaaahahaha i never knew chuffed had an alternative meaning and im British!

    wfw you educate me and your ‘brit speak’ makes me laugh!

    You are one seriously gifted chick!

  28. Jedi72

    WFW: one word ‘CLASSIC’, referring to:
    “Oh, I’d let Went stick it in my bum too.”

    I still can’t control my laughter! I love you. (Oh yeah, and I have to admit to, he’s the only man I’d let put anything in my bum!!

  29. *sending a Health and Guidance pamphlet toilurvemv*

    I thought everyone knew that the only way to get an STD from dirty blog commentary is to hump ones computer. That’s why I have virus protection. 😉

  30. ilurvemv

    LMAO, Mama Bear! Touche! 😉

  31. Jedi72

    Hey, was that a “poke” at me WFW? Me likes milk (in tea especially!). You’re a cheek!

  32. Darci


    ROFLMAO! Bloody hilarious!

    My favourite:

    “My love would enchant you like a spell
    and all your friends you’d want to tell
    I bet The Precious works it well
    And if it doesn’t then bloody hell”

    Bloody hell WFW, you work it absolutely brilliantly.

  33. Dannie

    You guys crack me up, WFW you really are very clever and perverted, although you just say what everyone else is thinking. Now I know we have all been through this before, and I don’t like to cast dispersions but all this talking about ass fucking, are we taking an eachway bet (on our Went) or just talking about the supreme sacrifice our crazed lust would induce?

  34. Seza

    Bloody classic stuff…..
    Good to see some good old Queens english coming through.

  35. Katjus

    Awwww… “wank” and “toss” !!! 😀
    (Did we not talk about the meaning of these terms while back? Lol.)

    My fave bit:
    I’d like to eye you in the buff
    and have you face dive in my muff
    I bet that you’d be really chuffed
    to release yourself up in my stuff

    Ur delish poem takes me right back to my time in the UK. Wicked! All in all well done but then ur Muse is kinda rocking… 😉
    And Wentworth, u should be feeling so special right about now!! Lucky bugger! *tsk*

  36. BB

    **in a posh british accent**
    Thank-you for that wonderful poem you are a fiiiine fiilly. Absolutely spiffing. Tally ho, im off to ride the horses and walk the corgi’s.
    **smacks WFW’s bottom**

  37. BB

    And MB/AJ here in the uk we do not use words such as ‘chuffed’ to describe a ‘fart’ LMFAO

  38. Oh really, BB? So how do you explain this definition, hmmm?

    chuff v. To chuff is to fart. Entirely separate from the word chuffed so use with care.


    And don’t give me that rubbish about UK females not farting…can we say bangers and mash? 😉

  39. seafret

    Reading all this this morning I nearly choked on my elevenses: a nice BRITISH muffin BTW.

    For your reference, (we are in the UK) the little boys next door do use the word “fluffed” for farted…which I have always found rather odd and onomatopaeic…

  40. AJ

    I knew I could count on MB to break out the dictionary! LMAO… Chuff = FART! And BB, henceforth, I fully expect you to start using it in its proper context! 😉


  41. sprinkles

    Mad Skillz WFW! Or shall I say Bloody Brilliant! *waiting for the WM song* *tapping fingernails on desk* 🙂
    BTW – I love being so spoiled with all these new posts! Kudos!

  42. jailbird

    WFW…. how very Brittish of you to take it in the Bum for Went, forget about the mustard, just go for the Penis-Paste.

  43. *puff, puff, pant, pant, … man, I’m outta shape!*

    Okay, short and sweet cause I’m mega, stoopid late!

    WFW, dude, why aren’t you writing for real? … I’d like to eye you in the buff, and have you face dive in my muff.


    I tried reading all the posts, but I kept falling off my chair each time I read Mama B’s and AJ’s dirty ditties. Excuse me while I head off to confession.

    Bless me, father, for I have sinned,

  44. Goska

    Siemka;) bardzo fajny blogasek ja też mam swój ale pochodze z innego kraju i po co mam podawadz, troche bładze w angielskim więc za bardzo nie rozumiem co piszesz;)

  45. Dani

    and have you face dive in my muff


    I picture a diving gold medalist head-first in your beaver

    LMFAO !!!#$@***

  46. Dani

    WFW – no Brazilian eh??

    – hand the man a forest map, insect repellant and breathing aparatus.

    That is gold. (joking babe!)


  47. notthedoctor

    with a pen on his cock
    he wrote YOU ROCK!


  48. ELISE

    Just back from hols, I discover WFW’s last hilarious production!
    Well , as a foreigner I had to work out all the fun bit by bit, because my knowledge comes from our british teachers! But I already knew about this “bum” thing that makes you Americans fall on your, well, “bums “or “arses” laughing madly, but I didn’t know there were so many funny quiproquos possible… I had heard about the English TV newsreader visiting an American colleague and being introduced to his “co-anchor” ( irrepressible mirth for the English counterpart) but I widened my horizon with MAMA BEAR’s (Thank you!) link : English2American dictionary…

    WFW, your blog is so precious! SO funny, sexy and intelligent! Carry on for ever!

    One question to you all, American girls : what would be the funniest use of a word or expression an English person would make in front of an American audience?

    Thank you in advance….

  49. kiwifan

    Hi WFW
    you certainly have a way with words

    just saw this on prisonbreakmanhunt.com

    Outdoor prison scenes for Sona are being filmed in Las Colinas in Irving, Texas with William Fichtner (Mahone), Wentworth Miller (Michael) and Wade Williams (Bellick). The scenes are being shot at “a former juvenile detention center off Harry Hines blvd and at another jail in Ft. Worth.” The source advises fans “a good time to go is before filming starts at about 7:00 am or when they finish. I left there at 7:00 and they were still in there filming.” So if any texan fans want to meet their Prison Break idols, here’s your chance!

    I feel a trip to the US coming on – see you all soon.

  50. sprcow

    It’s a shame that they have over done the air-brushing on that first pic. Gone is the wee mole, and the natural looking Went. He looks almost plastic.
    Cheers on the poem, if only we were all that good, then we would also ‘rock’ and be ‘loved’ by One.
    Your dedication and perserverance is admired.
    WFW you really do ROCK!
    From your fan on the arse-end of the planet.

  51. Fabio C

    Yes, he is sexy, when dressed…Might that be the reason why he doesn’t show his bare chest?

  52. SavMed

    Now I know I love poetry. Good poetry.

  53. Pingback: Ellen, Wentworth, Somebody! « Wet For Went

  54. Rosie

    on behalf of all brits:

    absolutely mint!
    [mint meaning very good! 😉 ]

    WFW youve made my day!

  55. Rosie

    ^^haha, its 9:12pm over here!

  56. WFW

    How lovely to hear my poem is ace from a Brit! Cherio.

  57. Wentworth's Wife

    My dear sweet girl, this poem is Puilitzer Prize worthy, assuming you are American (I’m sure as hell not) You could be the next Thomas Hardy without the boredom or drowziness. You have won a fan!!!

  58. Bellaxx

    hahah this is amazing. im in love.
    good on you sweetheart xxx

  59. Ana Maria

    adoro wentworth scofield miller, ele é lindo, talentoso, tudo de bom. No Brasil, prison break, está bombando! Os invejosos que se segurem…

  60. Pingback: Wet For Went is One Year Old today! « Wet For Went

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