You guys make me so happy it’s ridiculous. For everyone that has sent in letters so far and even posted on their blogs: Thank you so much! I am truly touched by your love and absolute insanity; You. Are. Great. If you’re reading this and you didn’t send a letter in, then you suck. No really, you do, and not in a positive, life affirming way. I have a feeling that all of our efforts will not be in vain, but in case they are, here’s how the show would have gone.
[WFW and friends are at the taping of The Ellen DeGeneres Show in the front row and it’s time to dance after the monologue. The DJ is playing Money in the Bank and WFW is really into it. While the audience is dancing, Wentworth comes dancing out onto the stage; The crowd goes WILD!]
Ellen: Wentworth Miller everybody!
[Went crip walks up to WFW whose jaw is on the floor because Wentworth Earl Miller III is crip walking. She can’t move. He takes her hand and dances with her. She still can’t move; He goes up on stage and sits down to thunderous clapping, screaming and squeeing looking like sex on a stick.]
Ellen: KA KA KA KA! *more audience screaming* So how are you Wentworth?
Went: I’m good, I’m good.
WFW: *snapping out of it shouts* I bet you are! *audience screaming begins again*
Ellen: *laughs* It seems you have an admirer Wentworth.
Went: That girl with the afro? Never heard of her…*audience laughter*
Ellen: Wentworth! I had no idea you could crip walk!
Went: I’m sure! *laughs*
Ellen: So what’s been going on since last we met? How was your summer?
Went: It was productive. I worked on my script during hiatus and I think it may be almost finished. Right now I’m filming the third season of Prison Break.
Ellen: And how’s that goin?
Went: It’s going really well. We have some new cast members this time around which will really add to the appeal of the show. I’m really excited about it.
Ellen: What can we expect from the new season?
Went: Well the tables have turned. Linc is on the outside and I’m on the inside..
[WFW considers shouting “I wish you were on MY inside!” but decides against it.]
Went: …so it’s going to make things very interesting.
Ellen: So is it safe to say that there will be a, prison break? *raises eyebrow*
Went: *chuckles* I think that’s a safe assumption.
Ellen: The Season Premiere airs Monday September 17 @ 8 pm and we even have a clip.
[clip is played and Michael is sexing up Sona b/c Went can’t help but sex up every damn thing. The audience screams and claps once it’s over.]
Went: I think the fans are really going to like it. The gang is back in prison and some unlikely alliances are going to have to be formed in order to get out of this one. Sona is much more dangerous than Fox River.
Ellen: You’re tellin ‘ me! Michael doesn’t look safe. He’s going to have to work hard to protect that pretty face.
Went: It’s not his face he should be worried about. Speaking of asses, Wet For Went get yours up here!
[WFW can’t move again for a moment as she looks into his killing green eyes but after a few seconds of shock, she walks up onto the stage.]
Ellen: So you’re from Baltimore, MD and one of Went’s biggest fans. I hear this from all of the people from your blog sending in letters on your behalf.
WFW: Yeah, the people at my blog are so great and Went, they just LOVE you to death, as I do.
Went: *smiles* Well thank you.
Ellen: Where do some of your readers come from?
WFW: Other than the US? Oh all over. South Africa, Croatia, France, Belgium, Canada, Italy, Germany, United Arab Emirates, Switzerland, Portugal, Australia, The UK, Finland, The Netherlands, Greece, Romania, Bulgaria, Korea, Japan, The Philippines, Israel, Malaysia…I know I’m forgetting some. I’ll hear about it when I get home.
Ellen: So do you have a real name?
WFW: I do yes.
Ellen: Are you going to tell us what it is?
WFW: I’m not no, but I do have something for you. I know how you love inventions and I have one. Try and touch Went.
WFW: Just try.
[Ellen sticks her hand out and reaches for Went and WFW smacks it.]
Ellen: Ow! And what do you call that?
WFW: It’s called the Keep your hands off my man, available wherever fine products are sold.
Ellen: *punches WFW* That’s called the Don’t smack me on my own show and if you call right now, we’ll even throw in a free gift!
WFW: *cracks up laughing*
Ellen: What one question would your readers want you to ask Wentworth now that you have his undivided attention?
WFW: *turns to Went* Well Went, would you please tell me exactly how long it takes to apply that tattoo. Inquiring minds want to know.
WFW: No really, here’s my question: One night, you and me, how ’bout it?
Went: *cracking up* What night works for you?
WFW: I’m here all weekend baby.
Ellen: I have to know, what possessed you to name the site, well, what you named it?
WFW: Because Went makes me…w…happy. The site is so much more than the celebration and objectification of Wentworth though. All of the sexuality is just a clever ruse to help people from other countries learn English and to make people read. Think of me as the cyber J.K. Rowling. I’m really just trying to give back to the community. *straight face starts to crumble and WFW starts laughing* OK I’m totally lying I just want to bang him.
Went: *chuckling* That could be arranged…
WFW: *sincere face* Don’t tease me.
Ellen: That’s right Went, you don’t have a girlfriend do you?
WFW: He does now!
[Went touches WFW’s arm and her eyes roll back in her head. She faints, slides off the chair, hits her head on the table on the way down and passes out cold on the stage. The paramedics are called and she is hauled away on a stretcher.]